Operation Constant Vigilance
Commentary: The safety of you and those around you depends on following this reader alert.
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Advisory to the reader: Due to security concerns having to do with the sensitive nature of some of what will be revealed in this article, the reader is asked to perform a quick self-scan before proceeding. None of the information or samplings required will be any more intrusive than what you go through every morning in buying a daily newspaper or applying for ordinary employment. If at any point the procedures become too destructive of your individual personality, simply quit worrying and keep going. We've done this many times before and we know our job.
First, we have to ask you to put both hands under a bright light and compare the print of the right thumb with the print of the left. Do they match? Good. (If not, please stop here. For further assistance, there's a phone tree you can call.) Next, in order to do a detailed Retinalysis test (© Wendy's Hamburgers Inc.), we need you to bring your left eye down close to the surface of the page until it is centered over the period at the end of this sentence. That's fine. Now we need you to hold it like that for eight minutes. Any hidden reasons why you should not read this article should emerge in this time. (If any do, please stop, and thanks for your time. Mrs. Mirigliotta at the Federal Emergency Management Agency is waiting for your call.)
Almost done. You've been very patient. We know this is a nuisance, but we're sure you understand where we're coming from -- magazine articles can have all kinds of implications if misused. Okay. The last thing we're going to ask for is your mother's maiden name. We already have it on file, so you don't have to mention it aloud. Just think it to yourself. Any adverse reaction? No? Now you're free to go ahead. You've been cleared. (In the unlikely event of adverse reaction, please set magazine aside in cool, damp place and contact John Ashcroft by email.)
Recent information has come to light suggesting serious lapses in American preparedness at every level. For one example, in a parking lot accessible to the public at an undisclosed location in Florida, a person thought to be either affiliated with a terrorist organization or not was observed walking to his vehicle, a tan 1991 Dodge passenger van with extender top. The individual, well in excess of 350 pounds (observer's estimate), was leaning on his over-full extra-large shopping cart to help support his great weight. Arrived at the vehicle, subject slid side door open and began to unload groceries from cart through door. Rear window of vehicle was obscured by many bumper stickers emblazoned with slogans. Top slogan said, "When I Die, Bury Me Head First, So the Whole World Can Kiss My Ass." Next sticker threatened violence by subject's child upon another person's child, identified only as an honor student. Next sticker said, "Home, Honey, I'm High!" possibly referring to illegal drugs. Largest and most prominent sticker featured a U.S. flag, an eagle with wings spread, and the words "America -- Proud and Unbowed!"
Members of congressional committees responsible for oversight of our security apparatus might well ask why such an individual is allowed to remain at large. Also, if this person posing a possible risk may be observed so easily in a single brief surveillance, clearly there are thousands or even millions more out there just like him. So-called "sleepers," who actually are asleep much of the time in bedrooms or in front of TVs, may be activated somehow. If that happened, could the civil defense system respond in time?
At many of our nation's airports, equally disturbing gaps have been found. An independent monitor on the concourse of an airport in the Southwest not long ago saw a large number of apparently random persons, all U.S. citizens by their looks, talking loudly on cellular phones and using the phrase "I'm at the airport!" repeatedly. Security staff were making no attempt to confine these individuals or to interfere with the transmission and re-transmission of this odd phrase. In addition, many of those observed were standing at slot machines and gambling (a money-raising activity banned by most states), while a few among them, who had already reached a potentially lethal size, were simultaneously eating franchise cinnamon rolls of a caloric and fat content known to be dangerous to human health.
In all likelihood, for each one of these instances a perfectly innocent explanation can be found. A lot of people saying the same peculiar sentence over and over in public may be a coincidence. Gambling is, as we know, a popular pastime which millions of regular folks enjoy, not just evildoers. And the fact that Americans are getting fatter and fatter year after year, drinking "Big Gulp" beverages and chewing "super-size" meal portions, developing potbellies not only above their belts but also on the backs of their arms and under their chins and behind their knees, for heaven's sake, is in itself not evidence of any terroristic intent to overwhelm our free institutions and squish them.
Further advisory: Readers please take note. Any individual presently reading this article, or any onlooker who has opened this page in a doctor's office while leafing through, is hereby notified that as of the previous paragraph, this article's security-alert condition has been raised from Code Yellow to Code Red. Readers who received borderline numbers on their initial clearance scans are requested to drop the magazine immediately, put their hands behind their heads, and step away from their armchairs. Please maintain that position until told to move.
Thank you. The rest of you may now proceed, with caution.
On the other hand, the fact that no such attacks have yet happened does not guarantee that they won't. So far, thankfully, most Americans have responded to unspecified threats just as the Office of Homeland Security has asked them to: with common sense, alertness, and hope. Among these qualities the first two are self-explanatory, and possessed by the American people in abundant supply. Hope, however, may be even more important; in many ways, it is the best defense of all. For example, if a cell of huge fat guys get on a plane and hijack it by running to one side of it all at the same time and causing it to tip over, each of us can hope that we personally won't be aboard. Hope has long been used in the fight against terrorism, and so far, knock wood, most Americans have seen their hopes for themselves and their families fulfilled.
Final reader advisory and debriefing: At this point, if every precaution has worked as planned, no one is reading this who should not be. Experience has taught, however, that a few unauthorized persons always sneak through. If you are guilty of this violation, there is still time to plea-bargain by making a full confession before a military court. If you are not a violator but know a reader of this article who is, reveal the name of the person in question to somebody fast. Tell the teacher, or if no teacher is present, tell the principal, head hall monitor, or boiler-room maintenance man. They will know what to do. Thank you in advance for your patriotism.
